A run down of nightmare strip club customers…
Nightmare Strip Club Customers
‘The Excuses Man’ aka ‘The Timewaster’
‘The Excuses Man’ is the customer that will engage in conversation with no intention of offloading any money. They will discuss prices, ask when you are next on stage, refuse to buy you a drink and not spend anything apart from your time. This is the most common of the nightmare strip club customers, and the most infuriating. A few ‘Timewasters’ through the night makes a serious dent in your earnings.
‘The Excuses Man’ doesn’t understand just saying no straight away makes them look like less of a douche and, sometimes, this display of respect for the job can get them free time on a quieter night when things are boring.
Common ‘Excuses Man’ phrases include:-
The Octopus has hands that appear out of nowhere. Just when you think you’ve got 2 of them under control, another one appears, and then another, and then another and so on… The most obvious indication you are dealing with an ‘Octopus’ is a customer that attempts to get his hand on your bum when you approach. Even before you’ve had chance to introduce yourself.
This can be helpful as it gives you a concept of what you will probably have to deal with. If you are woman enough to attempt to give him a dance. This customer will always push it.
When they are in a non-contact club they will try and sneak in a leg stroke or an ear nibble. If they are in a contact club, they will not stick to the pre-agreed areas and it’s a free-for-all.
Should he not give any indication beforehand and is a ‘Covert Octopus’ then really your only option is to hold the hands still yourself or make him sit on them. The nature of this beast, though, means that you will probably spend most of the time in the booth dodging extra limbs. Ending the dance early with this type of customer is not ridiculous. They are always really shocked when it happens, even after ample warning. The rules just don’t apply to them. Apparently.
‘The Over-Compensator’ is the guy that comes in, who’s life is so unfulfilling, that putting down strippers validates him in some way. They are rarely attractive and definitely lack charisma, struggling to find women in the real world. (Not to be confused with ‘The Virgin’, who deals with their insecurity by being overly nice and a pleasure to deal with). They relish in heckling girls on stage and trying to pit dancers against each other with promises of money. They also expect freebies.
They are not adverse to just making things up to fulfil their own agenda and don’t realise that experienced dancers can see right through it. Unfortunately, rookies don’t, and they will be upset by an ‘Over-Compensator’ a few times before they wise-up and realise that these men are control freaks and deluded about their own self-importance.
Common phrases an ‘Over-Compensator’ will use include:-
- ‘My girlfriend is better looking than you’-When he doesn’t have a girlfriend
- ‘She said she will let me finger her for £20’-*Inadvertently pointing to the virgin stripper*
- ‘You could do with losing some weight’
- ‘Why should I buy a dance from you?/Sell it to me’
‘The Knight in Shining Armour’
‘The Knight in Shining Armour’ is the customer that has aspirations of being Richard Gere in Pretty Woman. They believe they have the right to ask a multitude of personal questions, with no invitation. Talking to this kind of customer feels like you are in a combination of job interview/therapy session.
Where ‘The Over-Compensator’ thinks he’s above the strippers, ‘The Knight in Shining Armour’ thinks he’s above his fellow patrons. This is why he has the right to know what’s behind the professional image, over any other customer that’s walked through the front doors.
Unfortunately, they fail to realise that professional images are carefully cultivated for safety and privacy. No amount of pseudo-psychology is going to compromise that. The way they can save a stripper is to at least pay her for her time. They generally expect to do this stood at the bar for free.
Common phrases of a ‘Knight in Shining Armour’ include:-
Every club has them, the customers that think they have special privileges because they use the strip club most days as an after-hours drinking club. Alternatively, they know the management. They expect all the girls to flock around them and demand attention even when the club is busy yet they never spend a penny, making them the biggest nightmare strip club customers. Even a drink is like getting blood out of a stone. They bring a carousel of sidekicks and relish in showing off they know every girl by name.
Unfortunately, what they don’t realise that there is a collective eye-roll when they walk in to the empty club half an hour before official close. The girls can already taste the burger they are going to grab on the way home. The arrival of ‘The Groupie’ means the chance of an early finish is well and truly blown, with no extra cash.
However, this customer is not to be confused with ‘The Sounding Post’. A regular that doesn’t spend but is happy to buy a drink and listen to the odd rant from a pissed off stripper with no expectation of time or energy. ‘The Sounding Post’ is also understanding of being ditched if a spender walks through the door. In fact, he encourages it as he genuinely likes to see the girls happy and doing well.
‘The Token Chick’
‘The Token Chick’ is a girl who considers herself ‘one of the lads’. She is out with the boys and has been overruled on the strip club decision. She likes being the only girl because it make’s her the centre of attention and doesn’t like being sidelined.
She loudly disrespects dancers within earshot (but never to their face) and has a face like she is sucking a lemon when the guys throw compliments to the strippers. Massive hypocrite as, after spending the night calling the dancers sluts, she then proceeds to sleep with her third guy of that friendship group of five.
Women can be brilliant customers in strip clubs when they support the dancers and just want to have fun. Girls, leave your judgement at the door or don’t come in. Make that choice!
…And the award for the best customer goes to…
Finally, I can’t just focus on the nightmare strip club customers without explaining the perfect customer. The good customer is outlined here. Following on from this, a customer that respects boundaries and is willing to put his hand in his pocket (even if it’s a tip for time without buying a dance), doesn’t do unnoticed. Customers that just love strippers with no expectations past having a fun night are the best!